In the Hands of a Soldier
by that-little-piece-of-freedom
Summary: "In the hands of this soldier did I realize I felt most secure. Foolishly thinking so that as long as Hal was beside me, smiling and throwing words of encouragement, I could face anything. In this soldier did I find the hope that I thought was lost." Hal helps Lourdes cope with the cards she had been dealt with in this oneshot. /Hades Angst/


_**A/N: Hello there! Yes it is me and I made a Hades oneshot! I wanted to take a short break from thinking about my recurring story; You're Not Alone (which is also Hades centered take note.) This is mainly about Lourdes struggling with her life since everyone sees her as a murderer and how she's dealing with all the things she's done. Hal, of course, helps her through this. Anyways, I hope you guys like it!**_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Falling Skies **

I feel like everybody wants me dead.

I see the way they look at me, I hear them whispering when they think I'm out of earshot. I notice the change in atmosphere when I enter a room, feeling like at any moment someone would just shoot me. The people who I saw as my friends, the people I've treated and the people I once talked to were all strangers to me now. They move away when I get too close for their comfort as if I have some contagious disease. I wonder if this _is _contagious. What if I still have some of those _things _in me and they can just transfer to someone else? The thought made me hate myself even more.

I haven't talked to anyone except Colonel Weaver and even I just spoke to him twice. I didn't trust myself enough to speak, not even to speak. It wasn't that I was trying to avoid them; actually it is exactly like that, in a way. I'm scared that I might hurt them; that I would suddenly snap and kill them with my bare hands. I tried to make as much distance to everyone as possible and thankfully, they all respected this. All except one

Hal Mason hasn't stopped visiting me since the day I was transferred to the infirmary. He also won't stop talking to me even though I didn't speak a word. He wouldn't leave me alone and he cared so much and I hate him for it. If there was one person I wouldn't want to hurt, it was Hal. Yet he won't just budge, he keeps sticking to the murderer; to the girl who had killed her friends.

He tried talking to me about it, about all that happened. He tried to comfort me and say how much he understood what I'm going through. I never spoke one word but my whole system was revving with emotions. I wanted to punch him and yell at him just because I was mad, not at him, but at myself. That I was weak enough to let go so quickly, to let the bug control me and that I didn't stand that much of a fight. But most of all, I wanted to hold Hal. I wanted to hug him and tell him about everything and cry about it and just let go.

But I couldn't.

I was sitting on an infirmary bed as Anne checked me, her eyes scanning some cuts and bruises. There were several other people in the infirmary with me and I knew they were keeping an eye on me, waiting for me to snap. Anne looked at me, her face a mask of concern but still she smiled. "Your wounds are healing, slow but at least they're healing." Her fingers brushed a cut on my arm "A few cuts might leave a mark but I'm sure you care none about them."

She rested her fingers on my chin and raised my head so I was looking at her straight in the eyes. Her eyes scanned mine as if she was looking for something in it. "Lourdes, listen." Anne sighed but only barely "You need to let us in. You need to open up to us, tell us what's going on."

I didn't speak but I stared.

"You're a good girl, Lourdes. I want you to remember that you were forced, no, _controlled _to do those things." Anne smiled "You'll get through this, sweetie, with our help."

I nodded but I chose not to speak, not right now. Anne understood "It's alright; you can take your time."

I tried to focus on anything other than Anne's face so I looked past her shoulder and there a figure stood, leaning against the wall. I didn't even notice him there until now.

Hal was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and his eyes casted on the floor as if to give us privacy and make it seem like he wasn't listening. I knew better, of course he had heard every single thing. Hal gets really nosy sometimes.

I suppressed the sigh I was just about to release. I turned my attention to Anne to see if she would keep talking and stay with me. But, she had already noticed Hal and her lips were tugged into a small smile. "I'll let you guys…talk."

I grabbed Anne's hand as fast as I could to stop her from leaving. Anne seemed to think at first and once she realized it, she let out a small laugh. She leaned in close and kissed my forehead and with that, she was gone.

I was left alone with Hal again and I felt that same anxiety as before. I didn't want to get any close to him, no not like this. He looked up now as he heard the door shut and smiled at me "Hey Lourdes." It was a simple enough greeting but it was enough to make me feel breathless.

I forced a small smile at his direction, knowing that it was the least I can do, and he almost beamed. It's been a while I guess since he saw me even remotely smiling. He hid his own smile behind a cough "You doing better?"

I shrugged.

And he nodded "You look better."

_You just saw me yesterday, I doubt I look any different _I thought

Hal had his attention on my wounds "I'm glad they're improving."

I nodded. _Well, they're barely improving_

"Does it still hurt?" Hal asked, his expression masked something of unease

I wasn't sure if Hal was talking about my wounds or whatever happened to me. I didn't reply nonetheless.

"Think you'll be able to go out anytime soon?" Hal raised a brow

I shrugged.

"Matt misses you and Ben won't stop worrying about you." Hal grinned "Those two really want to see you."

And I wanted to see them too, I want to talk to Ben and kid around with Matt. I haven't seen them in quite a long time and I really miss them. I can't afford to go out though, Anne keeps asking me to but I'm not even comfortable in my own skin so why would I trust myself around others?

"Matt tried sneaking in once but dad caught him before he could burst through those doors." Hal was looking at the double door he just came through not a few minutes ago "Dad, he-"

I nodded because I understood. That's the thing about Tom Mason, he understands me. He knows what I'm thinking and he respects that and when he thinks it's right he'll do it. Not just for the safety of his kids but for the others also and even mine. I would often wonder how Tom Mason could be so understanding and broad minded while Hal is so persistent. Hal has this attitude where when he wants to do something, even if it is against the rules, he'll do it.

Hal never really learns.

He cleared his throat "Dad really cares about you, Lourdes. We all do."

Of course they did, I am one of them. At least I _once _was, but I've changed. I don't deserve their care nor do I deserve living. But I guess dying would be an easy go for me, when I'm dead I wouldn't have this burden to carry. I remained quiet

He was quiet too for a while. He seemed to ponder on what he was going to say next, I hope it wasn't another question I can't answer.

Instead of saying anything though, he suddenly sat on the bed. He was about to scoot over closer to me but I flinched back. I drew my knees up away from him. I didn't want him anywhere near me! It was too dangerous, I may snap any minute. I can't stop myself, I can feel _it_. The hurt, the pain, the anger; it's slowly growing inside of me. He looked at me, his face scrunched up in worry. He moved back but he was still sitting on the bed, it was still too close. "Hey, it's alright. You're not going to hurt me."

He spoke of me as if I was an animal! The anger started growing faster, my heart was beating really fast and I wanted to hit him. I was mad and I was hurt and _I'm scared_, I'm scared of myself. My eyes were starting to sting and my vision got a little blurry; I held back the tears.

"Lourdes." He said my name in a whisper, like a prayer, and it made me want to hold him.

Then I realized I was crying. My tears started to crawl on my cheeks down to my chin. I wiped them away with the back of my hand but it kept coming. I couldn't breathe right anymore, it was like before when I was a kid; when I found out my parents were getting a divorce.

Before I knew it, Hal was already beside me. His hands were on my hands and his eyes were searching mine and I could see the worry in them. Then, he held me. I was alarmed at first, but I simply chose to let it go. I rested my head on his shoulder and stayed there while he stroked my back and kept my hair off my face. He was saying things like "It's okay I'm here", "It's not your fault." and "I understand." It helped; oddly, it made me calm down enough to regain my breathing.

I pulled back, my eyes on my hands. I didn't want to look at him "Thank you." I didn't realize I spoke until it was too late.

Hal looked a little taken aback; he was relieved and glad to hear me talk again. He cleared his throat "You don't have to. It's just another debt I finally repaid."

I looked up at him "You don't owe me anything."

He smiled, that same smile he has whenever he's with his brothers, and for the times where he would see his father back from scouts. "Yes I do, I owe you a lot."

"Whatever I did for you, really, that isn't a debt to be paid. I did it because-" _I cared_, why was it hard for me to say? I shook my head "Nevermind."

Hal was staring at me and I felt myself shudder. He wasn't staring, he was _studying me_; the way a scientist may study a specimen. Finally, he turned his attention to his hands instead which he was now fiddling with. "Remember that time when you gave me nasty food?"

"Yes." I replied, guiltily

"It was almost midnight when I came back to camp and I was the last one to eat. You were in charge of serving the meals. We were out of food then but you managed to find canned soup somewhere. You gave it to me and when I ate it I puked." Hal smiled at the memory and I did too. "That was when I realized you cared about people."

I raised a brow "By serving you disgusting food?"

He gave a small laugh "No, by actually showing effort. Most people would have just looked around the kitchen, apologized and dismissed theirselves but not you. You were gone for half an hour looking for food and even when I told you it was fine you got really mad. Do you remember what you said to me then?"

I shook my head

"You said 'Shut up and sit down. I have a job to do.'" Hal chuckled "That was also the first time I saw you all worked up. It was nice."

"Maybe, but you got sick for days. You didn't get to go on runs."

Hal waved it off "That flu was a blessing in disguise, I was dead tired. Thanks to that flu I stayed in bed for days, plenty of times to rest."

I smiled at the memory of a bedridden Hal, he was impatient and he was itching to go out. There was nothing else in this world Hal hated more than being bedridden. Then, I remembered how Hal was stuck in the infirmary for weeks when he got that parasite out of his system; when _I _took it out apparently. I didn't remember any of it but that was what Tom said, that I saved Hal from that thing all the while having a whole lot more of _them _in me.

I remembered bits and pieces but what I did remember were those scary ones, the ones that still give me nightmares until now.

"I still get them." they were out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying.

Hal looked at me, pondering over what I meant. "The nightmares, you mean?"

I hugged my knees against my chest and nodded.

Hal tilted his head back, his eyes on the ceiling "Me too."

I watched his face grimace, as if he was recalling one of those nightmares. I wondered if they were as vivid as mine. I wondered if, he too, woke up screaming at three a.m. in the morning. I hope he didn't, I don't want anyone else going through the same thing I'm going through.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled against my knee

Hal tilted his head slightly "I know."

"The people I killed-" I gulped

"You didn't kill them." Hal huffed, voice strong "You weren't _you_."

"I fought but I was too weak." I bit down on my knee, arms protectively around my legs.

Hal straightened up, he was closer now. His hands were on my hands and I suppressed the urge to push him away. "You weren't weak, Lourdes. There were too many of them; nobody would have won that battle. This, all of this, isn't just your fault. I played a part in this; remember I experienced the same thing. I remember fighting, I remember struggling; trying to fight back the will to take the gun from my holster, trying to fight back the urge to hurt people I care about."

"All that from one little thing, Lourdes, from one little parasite." Hal gripped my hand "While you were against a whole lot more of them, 10? 20? Maybe more? I could only imagine what it was like. Lourdes, you saved my life. I don't know if it was because the Skitters allowed it or if it was because of you but what I do know Lourdes is that you protected me."

I kept my eyes casted on my hands that Hal held, I concentrated on the warmth of his hand and how hard he gripped.

"You were brave, Lourdes. You fought back and saved my life in the process, you saved other peoples' lives too and don't you forget that." Hal took my chin in his hand then he gently pushed my head up so that I was able to look directly at his eyes.

His eyes were searching for something in mine, of what, I didn't know. But when he smiled I knew he must have found it. "Thank you."

I nodded meekly in response.

He tucked a lost strand of my hair behind my ear and I remembered that time in the tent.

"_You remember those days?" I asked as Hal knelt infront of me, a smile playing on his face. It wasn't a smile of pity, it was a smile of warmth._

"_Yeah, you'd bring me food after all my scouts and you'd make sure I was okay." Hal spoke of it as if it had only been yesterday I did it. My heart ached and my head spun because I wanted it dearly to have been yesterday, to have been caring and being there for him instead of causing death and hurt throughout the people I saw as my family. _

"_Seems like a thousand years ago." I spoke, my voice shaky and rasped_

"_Now it's my turn to make sure you're okay." _

He smiled at me, hand still gripping my hand and eyes still searching mine. In the hands of this soldier did I realize I felt most secure. Foolishly thinking so that as long as Hal was beside me, smiling and throwing words of encouragement, I could face anything.

In this soldier did I find the hope that I thought was lost.

"You'd make sure I'm okay." I whispered, just low enough for him to hear.

He gave my hand one last squeeze before speaking "I promised, didn't I?"


End file.
